I've been in Germany for almost 8 months. I was on school break for the last week and a half, and the weather was beautiful. I spent the time riding my bike and enjoying the sunshine. I already have really gnarly bike tan lines. Hooray for summer. Pati and I also took a six hour road trip to Stuttgart, one of Germany's greenest cities and the capital of Baden-Württemberg. It also has one of the largest international/foreign populations of all of Germany's cities. We went in order to visit his sister, Cassy, her husband, Pedi, and their baby, Lazar. I really enjoyed getting to know them, and we had a great time together at Frühlingsfest (a big carneval) and in the city. I think Stuttgart is my new favorite German city - it was so beautiful, green, and clean... it didn't even feel like a big city at times. It reminded me of San Fransico (not that I've ever been there, but from movies) - the city consists of many, many gigantic hills.
Other events in the Ferien included a spontaneous beach party/bonfire on the Stausee beach and the annual Osterfeier, a big bonfire the night before Easter. Spremberg has really come alive with the warm weather, and I'm looking forward to the next two months of sunshine and fun times.
Yesterday I was back to school and it was really wonderful to see my friends again. We got Klausurs back in English, so I spent a long time talking with Simon and helping him correct his test. I've gotten to the point where I can help most of my classmates with English vocabulary more than they can help me with German, and it's a really cool feeling to be a bit of a translator. I also helped Pati's mom (who knows no English) and my parents (whose German knowledge is limited to 'Guten Tag' and 'zwei Bier bitte') communicate via skype, which was also a neat feeling. I'm not sure if a job as a translator is for me, but es macht Spaß. But apparently it's really stressful as a profession.
Over the last month or so I've been feeling like my German is fluent. Of course there's no final moment when learning is complete - I still learn new words every day, and my grammar is not always perfect... but I can understand everything around me, communicate effectively, and express myself. I watch movies and read newspaper articles with no problems. I've started to read Erwin Strittmatter's most well known book, Der Laden. The author went to my school and it's now named after him, so I figure I should read it... although I'm sure it will be a challenge with all of its 500+ pages. I have finally gotten my head around Konjunktiv (the subjunctive case) and the Fälle are no problem at all anymore, as long as I know the correct gender of a word. I don't struggle for words or grammatical structures and I don't think in English. In fact, I have to deliberately focus when I want to write in English, and sometimes the sentences come to mindin German first. Auf jeden Fall ist meine englische Grammatik schlechter geworden. Sometimes I really have to think about things when I'm trying to help my classmates... I haven't been consistently exposed to native English in so long that I'm starting to forget what 'sounds' right.
This does not mean that everything is easy. I am still more emotional this year than I have ever been in my life. (I need to take this moment to apologize to Pati, who is on the receiving end of my blubbering on a regular basis, and without whom I think I would explode). I started crying in art class today, and I'm not even exactly sure why. I think the most frustrating thing for me at this point is that I am almost completely capable of participating in school at the same level as my classmates - even if it takes me more time - but that some teachers still treat me as this 'other' category because I don't need grades and German isn't my first language. My class is very good about including me in everything, and I couldn't be more thankful for them. But in a German gymnasium, lessons are preparation for the Abitur, and tests and Klausurs are almost the only points of evaluation (Bewertung). Since I'm a gap year student and I don't need grades, some teachers don't really give me an equal opportunity to do everything with the class, even though I can (for the most part). If there's an odd number in Sport, I'm the one sitting out, even though I can participate just as well as everyone else (I can't count on one hand the amount of Sport periods I've spent trying not to cry). In art, we had a partner test that we were supposed to be doing over the last seven weeks while the teacher had an operation. I would have gladly completed the assignment, at least the part that involved sketching a roman archway, but since we had an odd number, I was left without a partner and wasn't able to do the assignment. This may have had something to do with the tears in class today. Exchange students in the US are treated exactly the same as the other students (at least at my school), and I just wish it that were the way here. Sure, it might be easier to skip out on assignments, but my German isn't going to get any better that way. I hate feeling incapable. After eight months of being the oddball, I just want to be like everyone else.
On top of this, I've been dealing with the bittersweet emotions of nearing the end of my exchange.
Yesterday morning Pati came upstairs with his coffee and told me that Osama Bin Laden was dead. At first I thought he was playing a joke on me, and I really didn't believe him. Then I checked out facebook only to be bombarded with patriotic chants of 'USA! USA! USA!' and watched the President's speech on youtube while I ate my Müsli. I think this sums up how isolated I feel from this event. But here's an excerpt from my journal:
Earlier that morning Pati had seen on the news that the USA special forces had shot and killed Osama Bin Laden. At first I thought he was playing a joke on me, but I went on Facebook and discovered it was real. I also watched the President's announcement on youtube. It was very strange for me and I wasn't sure how to feel. Most of my American friends had posted all sorts of pro-USA celebratory propaganda, which I felt honestly uncomfortable with. While I'm happy to see the partial reunification of our politically fractured country through celebrations and shared joy, the blind patriotism and outright jubilation and Schadenfreude and hatred is dangerous and makes us no worse than our enemies. Death is never something to be celebrated by parties on the White House lawn, no matter how evil the enemy may have been. So I'm personally a little embarrassed, as an American who has been living abroad for the past eight months, by the actions of my fellow countrymen. I'm also worried about the reverberations this will have on the Muslim community in the US (a mosque in Portland was already graffitied with anti-Muslim messages) and on the safety of Westerners (due to the potential for revenge terrorist attacks). Herr Hesse actually asked me how I felt about the situation, and I think he was glad to hear that I wasn't rejoicing. Of course I'm glad that a mass murderer can no longer potentially harm me or any other of the Earth's citizens, but I see no joy in death. This should instead be a time of solemn moral reflection.
As I tried to explain to Herr Hesse, I feel very isolated from the turn of events and I don't find any personal satisfaction in the news of the death. Maybe if I had had a relative die in 9/11 I would feel differently, but I cannot say that for sure. After living in Germany for eight months, and therefore taking a step back from the often dangerously and blindly patriotic American mood and a step towards the reflective, history-conscious German one, I don't feel very 'American' in the same sense as the people who posted chants of 'USA!' on Facebook. I'm not sure if I ever have, really. That's not to say that I don't like America. I may have said that in the past, but I wouldn't say that now. Through a year spent away from my homeland, I've actually come to appreciate the values of my country more than ever before: not necessarily what we do in the practice or how we conduct ourselves in world affairs, but the ideas that we strive towards - those of equality, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness. I appreciate the ideas of our Constitution and our Bill of Rights, and there are many times this year where I've been disappointed in German law or political policy (for example, there is no minimum wage in Germany, and some people, mostly foreigners or those of foreign descent, work for as little as one Euro (roughly 1.48$) per hour). After spending eight months in a country that is plagued by immigration problems and the 'failure' of 'Multi-Kulti,' I have realized how important our 'melting bowl of cultures' is to our unity as a people and to our ideals of equality. As much as this model isn't perfect, and as much as we like to complain about the newest bunch of immigrants, the fact is that at some point in our family histories, we were immigrants, too. And while we have a long way to go, I believe that because of these ideals, written into figurative stone through our Constitution, we will eventual achieve equality in ways that some European countries (many of which never had a civil rights movement) may struggle to reach.
This year has also made me realize how much I love my home community and my family. I look at photos of the ocean and I get nostalgic for the smell and the wind... I miss Maine's community feel and downtown Brunswick, and my parents... being in another family for a year has really made me realize how lucky I am to have them, and it's taught me how I should never take how close we are for granted. I really couldn't have asked for a better support system and I love them more than anything.
However... I'm not sure that I want to live in the US for the rest of my life. After college, I'm planning on seriously looking into job opportunities in Europe. As someone who wants to work with languages, my opportunities in the mostly monolingual USA are minuscule compared to the lingual diversity of Europe. Actually, I think Stuttgart might make a wonderful place to live. But I've still got a while to figure that out, so don't start getting upset yet, Mom. Auf jeden Fall, I'd be sure to come and visit :)
